Chapter 1
The causes of guilt and shame
People often use the terms
shame and guilt interchangeably, but there’s a difference between the two.
Unlike shame, guilt can be a
healthy emotion as it helps us acknowledge our mistakes—mistakes that we’re in
need of correcting. Guilt helps us think
of ways to resolve our wrong-doing, and to rebuild our relationships with
others and with God.
Shame, by contrast, is a
distorted belief that we are inherently unworthy of love. Consequently, when we
feel shame, we feel the need to be punished or penalized. A shame-based person
doesn't know how to feel healthy guilt.
Both shame and guilt are falling short of a standard. Guilt
results from violating a rule, law, or commandment. We feel guilt for failing a
moral standard. Shame is related to dishonor, and it leaves us feeling
unacceptable and bad.
We can feel both guilt and
shame for the same act. When we tell a lie, we may feel guilty because we know
that lying is wrong. We may feel shame for not being strong enough to overcome
this weakness by telling the truth.
Guilt is relatively easy to
deal with, but shame is more difficult, because is deals with the painful
feelings we experience when we don’t live up to the expectations of others.
Feelings like remorse and embarrassment come from a belief that we have let
others down.
Societies have guiding values
or principles. A person may feel the shame put upon them for going outside the
community values and the expectations of others. We can feel shame when we
violate our cultural and religious values.
Guilt and shame can function
independently of each other too. This occurs when we do wrong, but we aren’t
ashamed over it.
At times we may feel shame
for things that are morally irrelevant. We may feel shame for coming from the
wrong background, for being poor, for not having finished school, or for making
poor moral and social choices. One of the greatest areas of shame is over our
own body. We may feel shame when we’ve not controlled our physical or sexual appetite.
This shame lets us know that in some way we don’t measure up to a standard.
Guilt and shame can also be
opposite of each other. The Bible warns us against being ashamed of Christ. We
usually don’t understand the mental and emotional consequences of this.
Believing and being identified with Christ is a morally right thing to do as a
Christian—yet, until we’ve matured in our faith, we may be reluctant to profess
our faith, or feel guilt for not standing up for Christ when given an
opportunity to do so.
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